Power Struggle: No More Apologies
Being a woman comes with contradictions. Be strong, but not too strong. Be confident, but not too confident. We explore why women downplay their strengths and how we can lift each other up to celebrate every win.
By Ellë Bolland
“We have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong. You have to be thin, but not too thin. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line”.
The beady eyed among you will of course recognise these words from Greta Gerwig’s box-office breaking Barbie Movie, delivered in that show-stopping monologue by Gloria (played by America Ferrera). Why was it we stood in our cinema seats to applaud this fictional writing? Because it struck a chord with us – it highlights the double-standards and contradictions we face day in day out as a woman. We tie ourselves in knots to ensure people like us, and what for? Gloria’s words aren’t just fiction – they speak to the common experiences we rarely voice out loud. But there is a hope, the power of these words has sparked conversations that challenge us to rethink our expectations and, more importantly, to take action toward lasting change – not just for ourselves, but for future generations.
When it comes to sport we’ve come a long way from the days where only men could participate. More young girls than ever are on the football field, we’re hitting 50/50 athlete representation at the Olympics, and the weightlifting platforms at gyms are starting to fill with women wanting to get strong. Yet when it comes to celebrating our individual successes, we will still speak apologetically about them because we don’t want to come across as boastful or big-headed. I myself have been guilty of it, “Oh but it was only a little competition” or, “Yeah I guess I did quite well, but it’s not a big deal”, using qualifiers to downplay my achievements or apologise for taking up space.
Sport aside, how many times have you said at work, “I just want to check in”. Straight off the bat we sound apologetic and defensive. Or how many times have you used the phrase, “I’m no expert but”. We’re trying to mitigate the risk of a negative response, but in turn, we are undermining our position before we’ve even made our point. And finally, how many times have you apologised before you ask a question, “Sorry, please can you repeat that”. We’re apologising for simply taking up space! It’s all tied to linguistic habits which we’ve been conditioned to use because of the pressure to be likeable. But the reality is, downplaying our abilities in this way has a huge impact on how we are perceived, and paradoxically gives off a negative stereotype of ourselves; that we are unconfident or surprised in our abilities (as if we didn’t have the power within us already).
Every time we go to speak it’s like we have this internal monitor which pings, “Don’t sound too confident!”. We do it to soften our communications, to ensure we don’t get labelled as arrogant or aggressive, and in turn we limit the doors and opportunities that open in front of us. So how does one break these habits and lift the lid on what we’re actually capable of doing? An obvious example of someone who embodies what it means to be unapologetic in her pursuits is Simone Biles. Being all of 4ft8, Biles doesn’t shrink herself nor her abilities or achievements – not for the International Gymnastics Federation, not for USA Gymnastics (an organisation notorious for following outdated ideals) and certain not for the antiquated idea that women are supposed to be quiet, reserved, and apologetic for appreciating their own greatness.
For example, Biles consistently challenges herself to moves which no other female gymnasts have done before, and is often scored lower than she is worthy of. On being asked why she does the moves despite not getting as much credit in the scorebook as she should, she responded, “because I can”. In doing so she is sending a message to women to embrace their power and to leverage their voice. We do not need to keep our achievements quiet, or apologise for our talents, lest we offend anyone.
It’s people like Biles who are truly changing how others perceive women in leadership, sports, and business. From the little girls who are increasingly exposed to women in sports on TV, to the mums – now more conditioned to conversations about women on the field or even getting into the gym themselves – to the men, whether our brothers, dads, bosses, or anyone else – they too are becoming more aware of women with a strong sense of self-expression and leadership abilities, paving the way not only for themselves but for all women. While it can sometimes be met with resistance, it’s our responsibility to instill this change, to challenge norms, take up space, and shape the future.
self-expression
A close friend of mine has recently taken up gym classes. We’ve been running side by side in some of the notoriously tough treadmill classes, bouncing off the springboards next to one another in reformer pilates, holding binds and practicing crows in occasionally tricky yoga classes. “Come and join me for a session at my gym one day – you would love it”, I asked her. “Oh no, I’d stick out like a sore thumb there! I’m not strong enough or competitive enough to go”, she slightly laughed with embarrassment. The thing is, we’re actually both similar in our motivations for the gym; we go to feel good, we go for that mental release and to test ourselves. She won’t mind me saying this, but it’s because she’s looked at the Instagram of the gym, with members looking strong and chasing PB’s. In the same vein, there are 60+ year olds still making it four times a week for classes, complete beginners being coached on how to pick up an empty barbell, and sometimes, I choose not to push as hard that day because I just need to move, not to improve on what I got last time. It’s the least judgmental community I’ve ever been a part of – despite the fact some of the women can squat up to 120kg! My friend depicts what so many of us do without even thinking – we (women) are so conditioned to compare ourselves to others and understate our strength.
As women it’s on us to champion one another and invite others to discover their capabilities, not in a way where we are always going hell for leather, pumping iron and sticking two fingers up to the patriarchy, but in a way where we encourage others to move their body in ways which suit them. One brand that is made by women for women who I think are doing great things in spreading this message is Sweaty Betty with their new #DontSweatIt campaign. We’re being encouraged to ditch the comparisons and move our bodies in a way which truly empowers us that day – note – that day. Some days, we chase personal bests. Other days, we run to spend some time in solitude and drown out the noise. We might wake up one day ready to get in the ring and fight like a warrior, when the next day, even downward dog feels tough. The point is, we’re all motivated by different things, whether it’s to feel strong or to switch off. Both are worthy, and both motivations for movement should be celebrated. It’s about fitness that fits you, with no judgment. Strong today? Struggling tomorrow? That’s ok. It’s time we ditch the toxic narrative that we must always be striving for more within the fitness industry, and trade it in for self-love, individuality, and avert any comparison to others. That way, we don’t alienate or leave anyone behind.
With this, I think it’s also important to show vulnerability, acknowledging that sometimes we need to look after ourselves. It may appear a slight paradox from my earlier point about speaking with strength and conviction, but my point is that we should own our strength – whether we choose to use our physical strength on one day or apply our mental strength to resist societal pressures to always push harder the next. A trailblazer in this area is of course Simone Biles, who back in 2020 made the decision to exit the Tokyo Olympics while at the peak of success in order to prioritize her mental well-being. This was followed by a triumphant return at Paris 2024, where she set a new American record for the most gold medals in gymnastics in a single Olympic Games and became the most decorated American gymnast of all time. Biles’ story is a testament to the fact that showing vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness but, in fact, a sign of strength.
individuality
In showing vulnerability, we welcome others to understand that sometimes, yes can push to win, but in order to reap the benefits of this success we also need to listen to the body and the mind. It’s about striking a balance. The more we have of this, the closer we are to having a world where we have a strong sense of self, a world where we unapologetically celebrate our individual achievements. Just as Biles’ proves, we too can unashamedly own our power, and break down the confines of narrow-minded, societal norms.
My powers? I’m strong (I had to resist saying “actually” then!), I can run fast, I’m flexible, I work bloody hard at everything I do, I’m loyal, I’m kind, I can crack a joke and take a joke. I think I’m an allround decent person. And real talk? Sometimes I decide to miss that gym session, sometimes all I want to do is slob around on the sofa, watch Love Island All Stars and order a pizza, sometimes I want to leave the dishwasher until tomorrow, and sometimes, I want to cancel all of my social plans and have a day without answering to anyone. And you know what, I’m working on it. I own it.
We are told we always need to be on this upwards trajectory to be the best version of ourselves, but sometimes, leaning into the now and feeling our feelings allows for us to experience even more growth than if we’re to relentlessly chase perfection. The journey toward owning our power – whether in the gym, at work, or in everyday life – requires both strength and vulnerability. To create a world where we truly celebrate our individuality, I encourage you to speak more powerfully about yourself – to embrace your value, and reject any self-limiting language. Your powers and their worth need no apology! Practice speaking more powerfully and watch the positive outcomes unfold. Exercise your agency to empower other women to do the same. Notice how by changing what you say and how you present yourself to the outside world, how others respond to you, and more importantly, shifts how you feel in yourself. Your words shape your reality.
This journey of self-empowerment isn’t just about physical strength – it’s about embracing the fullness of who we are, inside and out. Sweaty Betty’s mission to champion inclusivity, self-love, and individuality reminds us that fitness is as much about mental and emotional well-being as it is about physical performance. The pressure to always “push harder” or “do more” is a toxic narrative that leaves many of us feeling inadequate, while comparison only steals the joy of progress, no matter how small. True strength comes from within, from owning our unique journey and supporting one another along the way. So, let’s celebrate the fact that we are all on different paths, each striving for something that fits us individually. In doing so, we create space for ourselves and for others to grow, thrive, and move without judgment. When we let go of the societal pressures to conform, we unlock the freedom to truly embrace and celebrate our own power, every day.
Images courtesy of Sweaty Betty #DontSweatIt campaign, more information here